6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
