i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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