Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
