Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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