The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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