K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
