not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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