You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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