Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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