just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
