i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
