i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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