If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
