i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
