How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
