i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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