Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
