Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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