I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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