the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
