I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
