My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just cropdusted the office
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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