Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
