there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
