When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
