I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
