Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
