this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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