Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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