listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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