Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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