I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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