no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
