2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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