I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
