Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
