I heard we made out
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
