Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
