The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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