Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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