he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
