I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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