Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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