I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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