Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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