Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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