I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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