Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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