After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
