You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
