"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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