i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
