apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
