You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
