My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize