Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
