look no pants
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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