I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
