I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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