I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize