I met the friendliest cop last night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
