nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He uses pillows to masturbate.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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