I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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