I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
